The first thing you need to understand about anxiety is that it is very hard to explain. Especially when you're in the middle of, or trying to fight off an attack.
But I'm going to try.
Here is an average day in my life:
I turn my alarm off a couple times, get up crawl to the end of my bed and fall back asleep there.
I turn my alarm off a couple times, get up crawl to the end of my bed and fall back asleep there.
Finally I wake up and then I check the time every few minutes, paranoid that I'll be late for whatever it is I have to do that day, even if it's not pressing.
My mind i constantly a jumble of everything I have to do, have to remember, even normal things like putting deodorant on and brushing my teeth.
I check my work schedule about three times to make sure I won't show up late, OR too early. I even check it that often on Fridays, even though I work the same time every friday.
I don't drive with my windows down, even if it's really hot. Partially because white noise makes my thoughts fuzzy, and partially because the thought of a piece of paper or anything flying out of my window terrifies me. And yes, I know it's irrational, but it is just one of the many irrational things that make me worry.
When people don't answer me in a timely fashion part of my mind instantly assumes something awful has happened to them, and I have to talk myself out of it.
I can get to the end of a semester and still be paranoid every day that I'll forget when my classes are and miss one.
But here's the real kicker, little things matter. Little things chip away at me throughout the day.
Sometimes everything gets to be too much. Sometimes the little things are just too much and anxiety breaks through. And you cry. And people ask why, and when you tell them you don't know they get upset with you, angry that you won't confide in them. When it's really the truth, you don't know why exactly. Because there isn't a single reason. It's everything. It's the fact that you worried about everyone in your life all day long. It's the fact that you worried about about silly things. That every time someone actually calls you on the phone you immediately think it's bad news. It's the fact that when you have things to do you shutdown. And you can't control the shutdown. It just happens as it wishes. AND THEN you feel worse because you disappoint yourself. And that's why you cry. Because you can't handle your mind anymore. Because what you want more than anything is to vent to someone, but the words don't come out and you know they can't understand anyway. Because everyone's anxiety is different in it's own way... you have your own worries and weights. And to be honest, who would understand me if I said:
"I'm crying because a receipt blew out of my car earlier, and I almost hit a squirrel on my way home, and when I walked to my car after work I worried that someone was in my trunk waiting to kill me when I stopped the car. Oh and then I had to kill a spider because spiders terrify me but I also hate the fact that I they have to die because I don't like them. So just please don't talk about balloons right now because I might really lose it."
Oh did I mention that the thought of anything blowing off into oblivion makes me shake? Physically shake. Like balloons. Especially huge ones.
I make at least one To-Do list a day. Sometimes they're simple, like shower, go to work, eat food. Other times it's a little of everything. I need them to help keep my sanity, I need them to sort out a few of the many things in the black hole of my brain. And I'm being serious, I'm CONSTANTLY finding To-Do lists in pockets and just about anywhere. Most of them only have one or two things crossed off... sometimes I start a to do list with a few things I've already done, so I can cross them off and it's like I have a head start. It gives me something to go off of. To prove to myself I can probably do it all without shutting down.
I realize this post is scattered. It starts somewhere, takes a few detours on the way, and ends here. Maybe that will help, a little, to understand the brain of anxiety, see the world through anxieties eyes. Unedited, unrefined, just what it is.
This isn't everything. This is what I can explain, or at least my attempt at it. But so much of it is in my head. So much of it is something that anyone with anxiety knows can't be put into words, it's as if your thoughts are in their very own language.
But here's the real kicker, little things matter. Little things chip away at me throughout the day.
Sometimes everything gets to be too much. Sometimes the little things are just too much and anxiety breaks through. And you cry. And people ask why, and when you tell them you don't know they get upset with you, angry that you won't confide in them. When it's really the truth, you don't know why exactly. Because there isn't a single reason. It's everything. It's the fact that you worried about everyone in your life all day long. It's the fact that you worried about about silly things. That every time someone actually calls you on the phone you immediately think it's bad news. It's the fact that when you have things to do you shutdown. And you can't control the shutdown. It just happens as it wishes. AND THEN you feel worse because you disappoint yourself. And that's why you cry. Because you can't handle your mind anymore. Because what you want more than anything is to vent to someone, but the words don't come out and you know they can't understand anyway. Because everyone's anxiety is different in it's own way... you have your own worries and weights. And to be honest, who would understand me if I said:
"I'm crying because a receipt blew out of my car earlier, and I almost hit a squirrel on my way home, and when I walked to my car after work I worried that someone was in my trunk waiting to kill me when I stopped the car. Oh and then I had to kill a spider because spiders terrify me but I also hate the fact that I they have to die because I don't like them. So just please don't talk about balloons right now because I might really lose it."
Oh did I mention that the thought of anything blowing off into oblivion makes me shake? Physically shake. Like balloons. Especially huge ones.
I make at least one To-Do list a day. Sometimes they're simple, like shower, go to work, eat food. Other times it's a little of everything. I need them to help keep my sanity, I need them to sort out a few of the many things in the black hole of my brain. And I'm being serious, I'm CONSTANTLY finding To-Do lists in pockets and just about anywhere. Most of them only have one or two things crossed off... sometimes I start a to do list with a few things I've already done, so I can cross them off and it's like I have a head start. It gives me something to go off of. To prove to myself I can probably do it all without shutting down.
I realize this post is scattered. It starts somewhere, takes a few detours on the way, and ends here. Maybe that will help, a little, to understand the brain of anxiety, see the world through anxieties eyes. Unedited, unrefined, just what it is.
This isn't everything. This is what I can explain, or at least my attempt at it. But so much of it is in my head. So much of it is something that anyone with anxiety knows can't be put into words, it's as if your thoughts are in their very own language.
(((hugs)))
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