Through Anxiety's Eyes

The first thing you need to understand about anxiety is that it is very hard to explain. Especially when you're in the middle of, or trying to fight off an attack.

But I'm going to try. 

Here is an average day in my life:
I turn my alarm off a couple times, get up crawl to the end of my bed and fall back asleep there. 

Finally I wake up and then I check the time every few minutes, paranoid that I'll be late for whatever it is I have to do that day, even if it's not pressing. 

My mind i constantly a jumble of everything I have to do, have to remember, even normal things like putting deodorant on and brushing my teeth. 

I check my work schedule about three times to make sure I won't show up late, OR too early. I even check it that often on Fridays, even though I work the same time every friday. 

I don't drive with my windows down, even if it's really hot. Partially because white noise makes my thoughts fuzzy, and partially because the thought of a piece of paper or anything flying out of my window terrifies me. And yes, I know it's irrational, but it is just one of the many irrational things that make me worry. 

When people don't answer me in a timely fashion part of my mind instantly assumes something awful has happened to them, and I have to talk myself out of it. 

I can get to the end of a semester and still be paranoid every day that I'll forget when my classes are and miss one.
But here's the real kicker, little things matter. Little things chip away at me throughout the day.

Sometimes everything gets to be too much. Sometimes the little things are just too much and anxiety breaks through. And you cry. And people ask why, and when you tell them you don't know they get upset with you, angry that you won't confide in them. When it's really the truth, you don't know why exactly. Because there isn't a single reason. It's everything. It's the fact that you worried about everyone in your life all day long. It's the fact that you worried about about silly things. That every time someone actually calls you on the phone you immediately think it's bad news. It's the fact that when you have things to do you shutdown. And you can't control the shutdown. It just happens as it wishes. AND THEN you feel worse because you disappoint yourself. And that's why you cry. Because you can't handle your mind anymore. Because what you want more than anything is to vent to someone, but the words don't come out and you know they can't understand anyway. Because everyone's anxiety is different in it's own way... you have your own worries and weights. And to be honest, who would understand me if I said:
"I'm crying because a receipt blew out of my car earlier, and I almost hit a squirrel on my way home, and when I walked to my car after work I worried that someone was in my trunk waiting to kill me when I stopped the car. Oh and then I had to kill a spider because spiders terrify me but I also hate the fact that I they have to die because I don't like them. So just please don't talk about balloons right now because I might really lose it."
Oh did I mention that the thought of anything blowing off into oblivion makes me shake? Physically shake. Like balloons. Especially huge ones.
I make at least one To-Do list a day. Sometimes they're simple, like shower, go to work, eat food. Other times it's a little of everything. I need them to help keep my sanity, I need them to sort out a few of the many things in the black hole of my brain. And I'm being serious, I'm CONSTANTLY finding To-Do lists in pockets and just about anywhere. Most of them only have one or two things crossed off... sometimes I  start a to do list with a few things I've already done, so I can cross them off and it's like I have a head start. It gives me something to go off of. To prove to myself I can probably do it all without shutting down.

I realize this post is scattered. It starts somewhere, takes a few detours on the way, and ends here. Maybe that will help, a little, to understand the brain of anxiety, see the world through anxieties eyes. Unedited, unrefined, just what it is.
This isn't everything. This is what I can explain, or at least my attempt at it. But so much of it is in my head. So much of it is something that anyone with anxiety knows can't be put into words, it's as if your thoughts are in their very own language.  

Why Modern Day Feminism Doesn't Have a Place in My World

I want to start off by saying I am strong willed, capable woman double majoring in chemistry and biology, working part time at a home improvement store, and getting by just fine. And I will not, by any means, be associated with modern day feminists.

Modern day feminism is a disgrace.

I appreciate my ability to go to whatever school I want, to vote, and to work alongside men. But I hope to god that there is no time in my life where I am accepted to a school, hired to a job, promoted, or anything of that sense for being a woman. I want to be chosen because I work my ass off just like everyone else not because someone is afraid I'll cry discrimination. But THAT is precisely what modern day feminists are doing to society.

Let me tell you what modern day feminism has done for me. It has shamed me for having my own beliefs. It has made me feel like being girly is a sign of submission to men. It has shunned me for not labeling myself a feminist.

I know how to use power tools, to build things, to change my oil. I am good at science and math. I like to fish and hike and play video games. But at the same time I like glitter, and disney movies, and soap operas. And sometimes I'm going to get all done up, put on a dress and an apron and bake a pie. And none of that is because society says I should. You can be girly or sporty or geeky or whatever the hell you want to be and it isn't a sign of submission. It doesn't make you less of a woman. I can be pro-life and be a strong independent woman at the same time. Do not call me anti-choice, I believe in all sorts of choices. I like my ability to choose. I chose my clothes this morning even! I chose to rescue starving, helpless, orphan bunnies the other day. It took up time and money, and they were 100% reliant on me, but you know what? I don't like things to die for no reason. And I support your choice to rescue bunnies or not to rescue bunnies, but I do not support your choice to consciously kill someone else's child.


I'm caught between hoping all feminists have sons, and really hoping they never have sons. Either it would make them realize what they think about men isn't true or they would make them feel like they are the reason their mother has any problems.

My brothers are significantly younger than I, and I have this fear. This fear that one day they could have a girlfriend and that she could get pregnant. And that he might have to live his whole life knowing that she killed their child and he had absolutely no say. Does that not seem messed up to you? Feminists spew this "a right to her body!" crap constantly, but do you ever actually think about a father's right to their child? Just because he doesn't have a uterus he has no say? We live in a world where even if the father is more fit to take care of a child than the mother, the courts will favor the mother for custody anyway. All because she is a woman. Feminists would probably think thats all fine and dandy, but is it EQUAL? What happened to equality? Would you really want your son to live in a world where he has no rights to his children? Honestly? And don't just default to yes because it's what you're supposed to say as a liberal feminist, actually THINK about it.

What do modern day feminists fight for? They claim they want equality, but bash men every chance they get. They act as if it's men's fault that they have a uterus. They want to be called equal, but be treated like queens.

Do not ever shame me for MY choice to distance myself from your corrupt feminist movement. Do not speak for me. Do not be concerned about me. I believe in myself and this world enough to know that I can get by without you, and that I, among all women, would be better off without you. Once upon a time the feminist movement was necessary, it was courageous, but now you're a bunch of whiny bitches and because of it people won't take you seriously. I will NOT be treated like less of a free thinker, less of a woman, for thinking so. Because it turns out I, a woman, can have independent thoughts and beliefs, who knew! 

So What If the World Sucks.

The plan is that this is going to be short and to the point.

I am SO tired of "the world sucks" attitude. It doesn't do anyone any good. Yeah, aspects of the world suck. Yeah, aspects of the world will always suck. But all of history things have sucked, and good people worked hard and those things changed. (slavery, women's suffrage, the great depression, the dark ages for God's sake!) Something always sucks. But sitting around bitching about it isn't doing anything but making you crabby and ruining the attitudes of the people around you.

So you think your life sucks? I guarantee you it could be worse. But you know what, I realize that you may really have it rough right now, and if that's the case I'm sorry, I know how that goes. But the way I see it you have two options:
1. You do something to fix it
2. If you can't fix it you get over it because it's just the way it is and focus on a different aspect of your life.
Did you notice that sitting on your ass bitching about it and being angry at the world is NOT an option?

Nothing ever got better because someone bitched and moaned. Do something about it or shut your trap. 

Smoking- Tough Love.

Dear everyone. Smoking is bad for you. Don't complain about how much it costs, because the high cost could be saving many lives, whether you want to save yours or not. It drives me crazy that people complain about not having money and smoke. Then quit.

"it's hard" and "it's an addiction"

I don't care if it's hard, because people quit all the time. My grandma and grandpa smoked for years, and they quit. So you can too, there are no excuses.

-4.5 trillion non-biodegradable cigarette buds are discarded every year.

-600 million trees are destroyed every year to provide fuel for tobacco production, this accounts for %12 of deforestation.

-Cigarette smoke contains around 4000 chemicals, 200 are poisonous and at least 69 have been proven to cause cancer.

Why do kids start anymore? In all honesty, a lot of the time it's because parents or other people that they are around a lot smoke and the've become addicted without a choice of their own.

Everyday I'm disgusted by how many people smoke still, how many people smoke around their children, and how many people START smoking. There is absolutely no excuse to start anymore, not that there ever was a good excuse anyway. But it's not cool. It doesn't make you look good, it yellows and rots your teeth, and whether people tell you or not, you smell AWFUL.

"Studies show that thirdhand smoke clings to hair, skin, clothes, furniture, drapes, walls, bedding, carpets, dust, vehicles and other surfaces, even long after smoking has stopped. Infants, children and nonsmoking adults may be at risk of tobacco-related health problems when they inhale, ingest or touch substances containing thirdhand smoke" -Mayo Clinic 

So you don't smoke in the house or in your car when kids are there, but you do all the time otherwise? You're still hurting them. They're still inhaling your chemicals without a choice in the matter.

Here's what you're REALLY smoking (and releasing into our atmosphere, and letting decompose into our earth and into our groundwater, and making everyone around you inhale.) :

• Beryllium (used in nuclear weapons and x-ray machines) 
• Styrene (used in car tires and asphalt) 
• Formaldehyde (used in explosives, car wax, and carpet cleaner) 
• Hydrogen CYANIDE (used in rat poison and chemical weapons) 
•  Carbon Monoxide (you know, that gas that people have detectors for in their houses because they're scared of it? You are voluntarily inhaling it and filling our air with it) 
• Lead (which is no longer allowed in paint because it's extremely poisonous, but go right ahead and fill your lungs with it) 
• Ammonia (found in cleaners that you use gloves for...)
• Cadmium (in batteries and car oil)
• Butane (used in lighter fluid) 

Go ahead and tell me you don't care if it hurts you, but do you care if it hurts the people you love? In more ways than one? Do you care that they have to take all that into their lungs just to be around you? Do you care that they'll have to be the ones left here missing you when cigarettes kill you? Are your daily smokes enough to risk not seeing your children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, and other family grow up? And what if they decide they can't justify letting you put them at risk and stop coming around? 

You may not care what your cigarettes do to our world, but cigarettes are AWFUL for our environment.

If your not going to quit for yourself, do it for the people that love you. This is the tough love, brutal honesty right here. Don't be selfish about it, it's not all about you, no matter how much you try to convince yourself it is. 

If You Want Equality, Then Be Equal

Okay. We need to have a chat about equality. What is equality? How do we achieve equality? How far from equality are we? Are we stepping backwards?

I agree, racism and sexism is still alive. But it's a hundred times better than it used to be, and at this point in time it won't get any better if we keep focusing on it. I don't want to get into school because I'm female and there are laws that set a male to female ratio, I want to get in because of my accomplishments, because I worked hard. I want to fill out applications to school and jobs and not check what race and sex I am because they should just look at my accomplishments and talk to my references. When you have standards for the amount of diversity a company or school needs you subject EVERY applicant to discrimination. You white people denied for being white just as often as every other race. You have males being denied because they need more females, you have females being denied by a hospital because a male nurse applied. 

       My first meeting with an advisor at college I was told that it would be hard for me to get into a veterinary school because so many women apply, that men will get in first. I've also been told that with my two science degrees I would be able to get a different job easily because there aren't many women in science. I don't want people telling me I need to be feminist, that I need to fight for my equality as a woman. I want people to be proud of who I am because I am human and I have accomplishments as a human and I work hard because I have dreams and aspirations, not because I'm trying to prove that women should be equal.

       Here's the thing. That is all discrimination. We try so hard to be equal that we end up discriminating against someone else. A black man is killed by a white cop and people say racism. A white man is killed by a white cop people say nothing, then it's just his job. I wholeheartedly, completely believe that if you want to be treated equally you have to consider yourself equal. You can't call racism or sexism, because let me tell you something. If someone is really being sexist or racist towards you, they don't care if you know they are! Those few people think they're better than you and don't care what you think. You're not going to change their mind, so don't sink to their level and DON'T give them the satisfaction of knowing they got to you. Be the bigger person, and prove that you are not defined by your color, your gender, your sexuality, your disability, your body shape, or anything else. Go on with your life, make the most of it and be you. Don't be the names people call you. Don't be the box you have to check when you fill out applications. Live your accomplishments, reach for your dreams, and know who you are. And THAT is all you can do. The world won't see you as equal until that's how you see yourself. And if you constantly bring attention to the fact that you're different, that's what people are going to see you as. Everyone has potential and purpose. And it has nothing to do with what you look like on the outside and everything to do with what really makes you who you are; your passions, your ideas, your intelligence, your talents, and your dreams. Let them see that side of you. Let yourself see that side of you, and honestly if there's someone that can't see you for who you are that's there loss, but I promise you if you live what's on the inside, people will stop noticing what's on the outside and see you as the person you are.

We may never be equal if we don't stop glamorizing discrimination.