Through Anxiety's Eyes

The first thing you need to understand about anxiety is that it is very hard to explain. Especially when you're in the middle of, or trying to fight off an attack.

But I'm going to try. 

Here is an average day in my life:
I turn my alarm off a couple times, get up crawl to the end of my bed and fall back asleep there. 

Finally I wake up and then I check the time every few minutes, paranoid that I'll be late for whatever it is I have to do that day, even if it's not pressing. 

My mind i constantly a jumble of everything I have to do, have to remember, even normal things like putting deodorant on and brushing my teeth. 

I check my work schedule about three times to make sure I won't show up late, OR too early. I even check it that often on Fridays, even though I work the same time every friday. 

I don't drive with my windows down, even if it's really hot. Partially because white noise makes my thoughts fuzzy, and partially because the thought of a piece of paper or anything flying out of my window terrifies me. And yes, I know it's irrational, but it is just one of the many irrational things that make me worry. 

When people don't answer me in a timely fashion part of my mind instantly assumes something awful has happened to them, and I have to talk myself out of it. 

I can get to the end of a semester and still be paranoid every day that I'll forget when my classes are and miss one.
But here's the real kicker, little things matter. Little things chip away at me throughout the day.

Sometimes everything gets to be too much. Sometimes the little things are just too much and anxiety breaks through. And you cry. And people ask why, and when you tell them you don't know they get upset with you, angry that you won't confide in them. When it's really the truth, you don't know why exactly. Because there isn't a single reason. It's everything. It's the fact that you worried about everyone in your life all day long. It's the fact that you worried about about silly things. That every time someone actually calls you on the phone you immediately think it's bad news. It's the fact that when you have things to do you shutdown. And you can't control the shutdown. It just happens as it wishes. AND THEN you feel worse because you disappoint yourself. And that's why you cry. Because you can't handle your mind anymore. Because what you want more than anything is to vent to someone, but the words don't come out and you know they can't understand anyway. Because everyone's anxiety is different in it's own way... you have your own worries and weights. And to be honest, who would understand me if I said:
"I'm crying because a receipt blew out of my car earlier, and I almost hit a squirrel on my way home, and when I walked to my car after work I worried that someone was in my trunk waiting to kill me when I stopped the car. Oh and then I had to kill a spider because spiders terrify me but I also hate the fact that I they have to die because I don't like them. So just please don't talk about balloons right now because I might really lose it."
Oh did I mention that the thought of anything blowing off into oblivion makes me shake? Physically shake. Like balloons. Especially huge ones.
I make at least one To-Do list a day. Sometimes they're simple, like shower, go to work, eat food. Other times it's a little of everything. I need them to help keep my sanity, I need them to sort out a few of the many things in the black hole of my brain. And I'm being serious, I'm CONSTANTLY finding To-Do lists in pockets and just about anywhere. Most of them only have one or two things crossed off... sometimes I  start a to do list with a few things I've already done, so I can cross them off and it's like I have a head start. It gives me something to go off of. To prove to myself I can probably do it all without shutting down.

I realize this post is scattered. It starts somewhere, takes a few detours on the way, and ends here. Maybe that will help, a little, to understand the brain of anxiety, see the world through anxieties eyes. Unedited, unrefined, just what it is.
This isn't everything. This is what I can explain, or at least my attempt at it. But so much of it is in my head. So much of it is something that anyone with anxiety knows can't be put into words, it's as if your thoughts are in their very own language.  

Why Modern Day Feminism Doesn't Have a Place in My World

I want to start off by saying I am strong willed, capable woman double majoring in chemistry and biology, working part time at a home improvement store, and getting by just fine. And I will not, by any means, be associated with modern day feminists.

Modern day feminism is a disgrace.

I appreciate my ability to go to whatever school I want, to vote, and to work alongside men. But I hope to god that there is no time in my life where I am accepted to a school, hired to a job, promoted, or anything of that sense for being a woman. I want to be chosen because I work my ass off just like everyone else not because someone is afraid I'll cry discrimination. But THAT is precisely what modern day feminists are doing to society.

Let me tell you what modern day feminism has done for me. It has shamed me for having my own beliefs. It has made me feel like being girly is a sign of submission to men. It has shunned me for not labeling myself a feminist.

I know how to use power tools, to build things, to change my oil. I am good at science and math. I like to fish and hike and play video games. But at the same time I like glitter, and disney movies, and soap operas. And sometimes I'm going to get all done up, put on a dress and an apron and bake a pie. And none of that is because society says I should. You can be girly or sporty or geeky or whatever the hell you want to be and it isn't a sign of submission. It doesn't make you less of a woman. I can be pro-life and be a strong independent woman at the same time. Do not call me anti-choice, I believe in all sorts of choices. I like my ability to choose. I chose my clothes this morning even! I chose to rescue starving, helpless, orphan bunnies the other day. It took up time and money, and they were 100% reliant on me, but you know what? I don't like things to die for no reason. And I support your choice to rescue bunnies or not to rescue bunnies, but I do not support your choice to consciously kill someone else's child.


I'm caught between hoping all feminists have sons, and really hoping they never have sons. Either it would make them realize what they think about men isn't true or they would make them feel like they are the reason their mother has any problems.

My brothers are significantly younger than I, and I have this fear. This fear that one day they could have a girlfriend and that she could get pregnant. And that he might have to live his whole life knowing that she killed their child and he had absolutely no say. Does that not seem messed up to you? Feminists spew this "a right to her body!" crap constantly, but do you ever actually think about a father's right to their child? Just because he doesn't have a uterus he has no say? We live in a world where even if the father is more fit to take care of a child than the mother, the courts will favor the mother for custody anyway. All because she is a woman. Feminists would probably think thats all fine and dandy, but is it EQUAL? What happened to equality? Would you really want your son to live in a world where he has no rights to his children? Honestly? And don't just default to yes because it's what you're supposed to say as a liberal feminist, actually THINK about it.

What do modern day feminists fight for? They claim they want equality, but bash men every chance they get. They act as if it's men's fault that they have a uterus. They want to be called equal, but be treated like queens.

Do not ever shame me for MY choice to distance myself from your corrupt feminist movement. Do not speak for me. Do not be concerned about me. I believe in myself and this world enough to know that I can get by without you, and that I, among all women, would be better off without you. Once upon a time the feminist movement was necessary, it was courageous, but now you're a bunch of whiny bitches and because of it people won't take you seriously. I will NOT be treated like less of a free thinker, less of a woman, for thinking so. Because it turns out I, a woman, can have independent thoughts and beliefs, who knew!